Thrills, pills and a headscarf

"Tired of trying to cram her sparkly, star-shaped self into society's beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova she was meant to be." My aunt posted this quote months ago and I just had to save it, knowing it was exactly what I want to say in this post! This post is probably the most important one yet for me. I've known I've wanted to write it for sometime, I've spoken to large groups of teenagers just scratching the surface on this topic and I feel like now is the time. It's the time because this is the month of my 32nd birthday (I know many of you will be shocked I'm not turning 24 again this year!), and it's also the month I'm going to start the process of losing my physical identity again as I begin back on intravenous chemotherapy. To be honest my physical identity is starting to feel so fluid I'm not really sure I know what it is anymore. It's also the tim...

I recently sat in a bar in Manchester chatting to a friend who asked me about my blogs and how I write them. I explained that I don't blog to a schedule, it has to be when the time is right and I have the right topic. For that reason this one started in Madrid and is ending in New Zealand because I wasn't going to do it until I could really focus on it. There have been a lot of clues to point me in the direction of this topic lately. A lot of events or statements that got me thinking about how easily we neglect ourselves as we get caught up in "life", often forgetting that life is living. To set the scene of this blog, it started sat in a little apartment in Madrid at 7.30am, having given in to the jet lag that had had me awake since 5.15am. I finally decided this time before the city really comes alive could be used far more productively (and more enjoyably than tossing and turning trying to sleep). I opened the balcony doors (the only time it will be cool enough...

12am 1st of January 2018 I sat on that questionable terrazza in Chile, saying Cheers to the New Year with a non-alcoholic cocktail and a slice of pizza. The stray dog at my feet lay quite happily, unfazed by all the noise around us, and I laughed as I began my commitment to saying Yes to my year, to my life. We're now halfway through this commitment and I really want to consider what saying yes has done for me and those around me. To start with I want to apologise for saying yes to making the word yes a verb; it just feels appropriate this year. So as anyone who has read my January 1st blog knows, I started by saying yes to the circumstances offered to me. Not just accepting these circumstances but embracing them. I laughed at every level of imperfection in that moment and thought about how perfect it actually was. I could have chosen never to have taken on the challenge of going to South America for four weeks, with cancer, after two major surgeries and while still takin...

It's a significant month of the year for me. Every year for the last nine years the 20th of May has been significant for me. On this day, in 2009, I set out on the biggest adventure of my life - living! I had cleared out most of what I owned and packed a back pack (my heart still swells every time I look at that pack, and if you've ever travelled like that you'll understand what I mean by my feeling of attachment) and got on a one way flight stopping in Dubai and on to London. Of course my gypsy spirit wouldn't let me stop there, but I won't get too far ahead just yet. This month is also significant for a new reason this year. It's the month that I beat the odds for the first time. This part isn't pleasant reading but when I got the incurable diagnosis I asked for a timeline. A horrible question for any medical professional, I'm sure, both because I imagine it is unpleasant information to deliver and also because there's no definite. My oncologis...

It's not just me who says that. The sky is indicating that might be the case too and I'm sure there are many others with a similar feeling today. This isn't a happy, positive post - don't worry, at least it's brief. Brief because it wasn't supposed to be my next topic but this morning it was crying out (literally) to be said, because it's a teary sort of day. Don't ask me why, I could list you some potential reasons but none of them are specific, it just is. And that's it, somedays it just is. My mum had two key quotes about crying. "If you play with the boys, you play by the boys' rules." Which meant I wasn't allowed to cry when I got hurt. I made no decision to play this round so I feel her other saying is more applicable. "Let it go. Let it out. Let it wash you from the inside out" (When I was allowed to cry). I was raised to be pretty tough so the emotion involved in the last year has been a real learning c...

I like to think I was a fairly present person before this cancer diagnosis. I like to think a lot of things.  What I can say is this diagnosis has made me a far more present person, in so many ways, than ever before. Even with that wonderful chemo brain that makes me unbelievably forgetful, with the fatigue, nausea and tendency to space out (particularly when I'm low on blood sugars) I believe I'm learning the art of being more present. Note I say learning, not have learnt. (If we ever think we've reached perfection then we've failed ourselves - a hangover from my Learning and Development days) Something I realised after being told I may have less time than many is that I wanted my family and friends to know just how much they mean to me. For my nephews and nieces to know that as long as they continue being the wonderful people they are and never hurt anyone I will always think the world of them, that they are amazing and I couldn't ask for anyone better to...

Written, as promised, for my mother. Since I started travelling I said you always want things to go really right or really wrong - you never want average. At least with really right or really wrong you've got a good story. This is a rationale I started applying to life too. I had no idea how much it was going to come back and bite me in the arse! About a week after returning from my South America trip I sat in a cafe with my mum in Karangahake, discussing many things including my health - or lack thereof. She said to me that I may be giving a false impression that this is an easy journey with my positivity. That several people had commented on how well I was dealing with this and I acknowledged I had had similar comments. So, because it's the year of yes and because I love my mum (even though I tell her the wonderful daughterly things like how terrible she is and how I'm pretty sure her carcinogenic toasted sandwiches were the cause of the cancer in the first place)...