"Wherever you are, be all there" - Jim Elliot

I like to think I was a fairly present person before this cancer diagnosis. I like to think a lot of things. 

What I can say is this diagnosis has made me a far more present person, in so many ways, than ever before. Even with that wonderful chemo brain that makes me unbelievably forgetful, with the fatigue, nausea and tendency to space out (particularly when I'm low on blood sugars) I believe I'm learning the art of being more present. Note I say learning, not have learnt. (If we ever think we've reached perfection then we've failed ourselves - a hangover from my Learning and Development days)

Something I realised after being told I may have less time than many is that I wanted my family and friends to know just how much they mean to me. For my nephews and nieces to know that as long as they continue being the wonderful people they are and never hurt anyone I will always think the world of them, that they are amazing and I couldn't ask for anyone better to be an aunty to. For my friends to know how significant their friendship is, even when I'm unwell and a less than amazingly fun friend. For my family (immediate and extended) to know that their ability to make me feel so loved and important, and their determination to fight for me means something I can't even put into words. 

And that was the exact problem I had. I didn't have words to describe that; and a box of Roses just doesn't quite sum it up. I realised what was important for both me and the people around me was to be completely present with them. When I can't be, I try to take myself away and let myself rest so I don't do half a job. 

It takes simple steps. Firstly, phone away! This is particularly important when I'm with my nephews and nieces (except for those photos which I treasure), I like to put my phone away for that small amount of time I get with them. To immerse myself in what they want to do, what will bring them joy and congratulate them on how wonderful they are. 

I always like to extend this guideline to my interactions with others too. Sure I might have my phone out at night when I'm sat at home with family and we've caught up for the day but I believe that if someone is generous enough to give their time to me, the least I can do is have my phone away and be there with them! (Something that stresses my poor Dad out when he can't get hold of me for hours and he's imagining every terrible event that might have happened to me.)

For some reason Love Actually has been giving me inspiration this week and the scene that popped into my head in this case was this:

Harry: Sarah, turn off your phone and tell me exactly how long you've been working for us.

Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and what, about two hours.

Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

When we don't remove the distraction it's hard to have a really meaningful conversation and be there for the person.

Listen! When someone stops to speak to you. Put aside whatever is in your head and be there for them. Mum and I have an agreement that if she is in the middle of something and I interrupt then I am to wait, otherwise when I'm speaking I get her full attention and vice versa. 

Listening has become so important during my treatment. When I'm stuck in a hospital bed unable to do much or being infused with IV chemotherapy that time having a conversation with someone can mean so much more. I treasure the time I asked my Aunt to take me in for chemotherapy one day. Despite the circumstances we were both completely present in our conversation, I had an amazing chat with her - something I hadn't had the chance to do for years. Unfortunately my aunt passed away from cancer within the next couple of months (during my recovery from surgery) and this made that time even more precious. If we hadn't both been present and listening for those couple of hours I wouldn't have that memory to treasure now. 

Hear! Often Ive found that I, along with others, make requests without making them blatant. I don't always say I need you to do this for me but simply talk about things I'd like to do, or just talk. The importance is in hearing this and acting without strict instruction. Sometimes I feel guilty asking for help so someone simply offering or taking action is a beautiful statement of presence. 

Make small statements of caring! A few examples I can give of this in my experience are people dropping by to visit or arranging to come see me at home or in the hospital because I'm not able to get out; little gifts my aunts and uncles have brought by - a book about someone else's cancer journey, some headscarves and a wig from my aunt's treatment, a "what sort of cupcakes do you like" message  before a visit, and these are just a few of the examples. My friends have sent me messages saying do you need anything while in hospital and even just a a beautiful gesture one friend makes by topping up my ginger crunch supply every so often, all cut into little pieces so I can just have what I can get down. It's not about giving things, but the thought and time that I truly appreciate!

Treat people in the manner they need! I've been really determined through out this to not lose myself to cancer. The people around me have been wonderful in helping me with that! Some have asked for guidance and I respect them for that. Others have just known how to react with me, to treat me the way they always would (maybe with a few more offers of lifts etc than usual). I had one friend say she never even thought about it, she just knew I'd be the same. Not everyone is like this and not everyday is the same so being present and sensing what that person needs from you is so important - don't make them tell you, ask if you're unsure!

I think dogs are absolute geniuses when it comes to appropriate behaviour (aside from sniffing butts or eating rancid things)! My dogs are amazing at being present for me. With an inability to vocalise their care they manage to show it every day. Jake, the older, calmer dog, lies by my bed or on the landing when I'm unwell just keeping his eye on me. he pushes past everyone to get into my room to greet me and show me his love. Haesel, my little baby, my mini-me, just about turns herself upside down to see me, showers me in kisses and regularly wakes me up when I'm asleep just to let me know she's there. They don't have to say anything or provide gifts, their presence is everything I could possibly ask for!

Remember, being present doesn't have to mean being nearby. I'm lucky enough to have travelled a lot in my past and therefore have friends around the world, they are all so wonderfully present for me by sending me messages out of the blue, checking on me or just taking the piss. Whatever it is, I know it means I am in their thoughts. 

So as I finish up this blog from the hospital room I've been staying in for the last five days, I thank everyone who has been present for me as I have donned my armour ready for battle against this nasty disease each day. I want you to know how much it means to me. 

I also hope this helps anyone else who is looking for a way to support people as they face their own battles, whatever they may be. 

This post in particular is dedicated to my beloved nephews and nieces as I attempt to always be present for you no matter what the circumstances: Everett, Eric (Louie), Isla, Dani, Sofia, Eugene (Archie), Ellie and all the others on their way!