Ugly crying and rashy faces. All I needed was a human.
Today I had a total meltdown. A public meltdown. The kind of meltdown that involved tears and cries of I can't cope. At a reception desk. With a load of strangers around. A meltdown at total strangers. It wasn't my finest moment and now I look back at it I can laugh and say "wow, that was a bit crazy of me. I guess nobody should mess with me at the moment". It was a meltdown that had me warning my mum if she couldn't contact me I'd probably been locked up.
Looking back at it I also feel completely justified.
I had treatment yesterday. As much as I like this drug, treatment always makes me feel a little bit shit. It is a foreign substance being injected directly into my central vein, after all. I slept yesterday afternoon and as I slept an allergic reaction started to develop. This is unfortunate as, completely unrelated to cancer, I also have the world's most ridiculous allergy, to dust mite. There had been some work done in the hotel I stay in at treatment time. Although it was clean, there must have been some dust left behind and this triggered my allergy. By 9pm last night I realised what was happening but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. It's not dangerous in the early stage of the reaction, just uncomfortable and ugly. My face rashes and becomes hot, itchy and dry. If I don't respond the skin cracks and the rash spreads - once it went inside my mouth.
This morning I took my tired, sore, rashy face back to my oncology clinic to get some help. In this clinic they are wonderful and always helpful. Then I went to a different clinic to find out why they'd lost my referral and why they never answered their phones. I was feeling pretty fragile and also had been getting frustrated by this clinic for weeks. It started badly. The man on the reception desk gave me a blank stare when I explained I needed to see someone about a haematology appointment and wanted to know if I was at the correct desk. Everyone who goes there is dealing with some kind of health issue, the large majority cancer. What kind of heartless person responds with a blank stare? Thankfully, we quickly established he was useless to me but there was someone more useful next to him. So I spoke with her. Then I also spoke with someone else who had been involved in the whole cock up of a process. In short they'd screwed up. They'd lost my referral, they'd failed to call me, they never answered their phones and they wouldn't admit it. There was an attempt to cover some severely exposed ass and I couldn't cope. It wasn't purely the responsibility of these two, later very helpful, ladies. They were just the spokespeople trying to cover the rear that was hanging loose. I couldn't cope with it and I told them. I told them through a fit of ugly tears that came out of nowhere and took us all by surprise. I told them it was enough. I told them I couldn't deal with chasing them when I had my own crap to deal with. I told them nobody calls them for fun, we call because we're ill. I told them that I don't usually cry at reception desks in front of strangers but I couldn't cope with anything more and I just needed some help.
Then they did the thing I needed them to do all along. They accepted responsibility. They owned up to the fact that their process had failed me. The phones were currently failing everyone. Then they gave me an appointment and a direct dial. That, combined with a box of tissues, was all I needed.
I needed humans today. Illness sucks. Admin for illness sucks even more. At the times I feel least capable in my life, I have the largest amount of serious admin to do. Usually I try to farm this responsibility out but in Australia it all falls to me. This cock up was just the straw that broke that camel's back. What I realised wass I just needed a human to say, we're sorry, let me help you.
I'm sure there's a point to sharing this. Maybe I wanted to say that even the eternal optimist in me has days of ugly crying at reception desks. I think I really just want to say, never put your ego above someone's cry for help. Be human. Care.
Looking back at it I also feel completely justified.
I had treatment yesterday. As much as I like this drug, treatment always makes me feel a little bit shit. It is a foreign substance being injected directly into my central vein, after all. I slept yesterday afternoon and as I slept an allergic reaction started to develop. This is unfortunate as, completely unrelated to cancer, I also have the world's most ridiculous allergy, to dust mite. There had been some work done in the hotel I stay in at treatment time. Although it was clean, there must have been some dust left behind and this triggered my allergy. By 9pm last night I realised what was happening but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. It's not dangerous in the early stage of the reaction, just uncomfortable and ugly. My face rashes and becomes hot, itchy and dry. If I don't respond the skin cracks and the rash spreads - once it went inside my mouth.
This morning I took my tired, sore, rashy face back to my oncology clinic to get some help. In this clinic they are wonderful and always helpful. Then I went to a different clinic to find out why they'd lost my referral and why they never answered their phones. I was feeling pretty fragile and also had been getting frustrated by this clinic for weeks. It started badly. The man on the reception desk gave me a blank stare when I explained I needed to see someone about a haematology appointment and wanted to know if I was at the correct desk. Everyone who goes there is dealing with some kind of health issue, the large majority cancer. What kind of heartless person responds with a blank stare? Thankfully, we quickly established he was useless to me but there was someone more useful next to him. So I spoke with her. Then I also spoke with someone else who had been involved in the whole cock up of a process. In short they'd screwed up. They'd lost my referral, they'd failed to call me, they never answered their phones and they wouldn't admit it. There was an attempt to cover some severely exposed ass and I couldn't cope. It wasn't purely the responsibility of these two, later very helpful, ladies. They were just the spokespeople trying to cover the rear that was hanging loose. I couldn't cope with it and I told them. I told them through a fit of ugly tears that came out of nowhere and took us all by surprise. I told them it was enough. I told them I couldn't deal with chasing them when I had my own crap to deal with. I told them nobody calls them for fun, we call because we're ill. I told them that I don't usually cry at reception desks in front of strangers but I couldn't cope with anything more and I just needed some help.
Then they did the thing I needed them to do all along. They accepted responsibility. They owned up to the fact that their process had failed me. The phones were currently failing everyone. Then they gave me an appointment and a direct dial. That, combined with a box of tissues, was all I needed.
I needed humans today. Illness sucks. Admin for illness sucks even more. At the times I feel least capable in my life, I have the largest amount of serious admin to do. Usually I try to farm this responsibility out but in Australia it all falls to me. This cock up was just the straw that broke that camel's back. What I realised wass I just needed a human to say, we're sorry, let me help you.
I'm sure there's a point to sharing this. Maybe I wanted to say that even the eternal optimist in me has days of ugly crying at reception desks. I think I really just want to say, never put your ego above someone's cry for help. Be human. Care.
Thinking of you Meridee.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is the tears and the meltdowns that are our actually our greatest strength. They show our vulnerability and this invites a response from the other person's place of humanity.
Kia kaha.