The End.

The End. 

This is it now and I find myself slightly lost in how to write about the end. I've done the introduction and taken you through a twisting and turning plot; and I know the story ends because all of ours do ultimately, but how does one write that final chapter? How does one process that it is the final chapter? 

I got told a couple of weeks ago. In fact, I got told I may only have a couple of weeks to live and as usual I've stubbornly disproven that theory. I'm no fool though, I understand my life is now being measured in weeks; and not necessarily that many of them. In fairness I almost died (I'm not exaggerating) about two months ago, so in a weird way I'm still one up. I have a very serious infection in my liver which sent me into septic shock; the intensive care unit; and a very blunt conversation of all the things that could happen that they wouldn't resuscitate me from. I have never been so terrified in my life and I experienced a new level of pain I didn't know existed. 

For Potterheads out there, I've described having cancer as though I've got the invisibility cloak on, but my ankle keeps showing for death to grab hold of, so I have to shake him off. Since this infection I've felt like no matter how hard I shake he's been keeping hold of my toes. Now we're just trying to keep the cloak over my head but he's there making me work for it. I know I'll be travelling away with him in end. 

There are a lot of weird scenarios now. Now I know making it through another week is a big achievement. Small talk is impossible. A stranger mentioned to me the other day that it was almost Christmas. I didn't know what to say... that's really not relevant to me now. I think about people or experiences I'm going to miss, then I realise I'm not going to miss them, although they may miss me. That one blows my mind! How can I know I won't do something I love again but also won't miss it? I was asked to think about where I wanted to die. This is venue picking like never before in my life. And even after selecting a venue there are so many other questions to consider like who you want there, if you want music..... 

I did pick a venue though. I wanted to spend the last of my days around the people I love and care about, that was the most important thing for me. I wanted to feel as free as possible. So I left the hospital to go home to LIVE. And I felt better for it. Amazing what that freedom, love and fun can do for a person. That doesn't change the ending, death will still find me when I slip off that cloak, but life is still my focus now. 

So here's the serious bit. The thank you. Thank you to every single person who has made my life one I wanted to fight hard for. Thank you for making it so full I was never going to be satisfied with how much I got of it. Thanks for the fun, and laughter, the ridiculous, the serious, the tough and the beautiful. It's all been amazing in it's own way. 

Thank you to the strangers who have rallied behind me, followed my journey, sent me messages and generally cared about me despite never having met me. 

Thank you to all the amazing medical people who did all they could to keep me, not just going but, living. No matter how many times it might have looked like we were at the end we found another path. That's what makes this ending so much harder to believe. 

I'm not sure I can confidently say I've accepted that it's so close, I've definitely been an emotional wreck. I've also felt happy and fulfilled and loved. And spoilt. Very, very spoilt. For the first time I have started to feel it's unfair. I felt like I could do the fighting bit, despite how hard it was, but the dying now feels a little unjust to me. 

I don't want to turn this into a "How to Live your life" kind of blog. It is a chance to reflect on some things though. When I first "went public" about the cancer (because my cancer hats were starting to give me away) I commented that you never know how strong you are until you need to be. I had no idea what was to come but I feel I was right. If you had told me what my next three years would be I would have wondered how I could possibly get through them AND keep bouncing back to enjoy life too. But I did. I am, even now. Even knowing the end is near. I am very weak and need lots of help but I still get to laugh and sing and do things I love. 

I've realised how much the simple things really are the best. My medicine is sun, fresh air, dogs, people, fun and laughter. If you make a little effort those things can be pretty easy to come by, even in the least suspecting of situations. This Warrior lifestyle really has taught me to find fun and humour in some of the darkest situations. The humour itself might be pretty dark too but it got me through. On one particularly absurd night a nurse asked me how mum coped with my humour and I told her just fine because she had to. It was about 2am, I was hyperactive with a bag of blood draining into me and developing a list of questions about death. For example: will I be skinnier as a corpse? (I didn't fit any of my pretty dresses then). Or, can you spray tan a corpse? What are the general feelings about motion sensored recordings and coffins? So much I hadn't considered before. 

I've been very specific about language used during my Cancer-Warrioring and that is to continue when I die. I will not have lost my battle, I have won! I have had an amazing life with and without cancer and have refused to let it take that from me. When it takes my body, it doesn't get my spirit. It doesn't get to steal the things that make me explode from laughter or cry in empathy. It gets only the physical part of me, the part we could chop apart, poison and zap without losing the Me of me. If that's not a win I'm not sure what is. 

This is not a "How to" but if I make one request it's to make an effort to live and love your life. Writing as someone whose life is about to end I can tell you it's the greatest gift I've ever had and I feel immense gratitude for the 33 years I have had. Usually I like a quote in my blog but today I'm going to quote myself (if you can't show arrogance in the face of death when can you?). 

As a teenager or young adult leaving the house my parents would say the usual "Be safe" or "Be Careful" or maybe even "Behave". I would always respond to them, "I think you mean have fun!". It's always been my priority in life. So as I write the final lines of the chapter I'm not really sure how to tell, I guess that's all I feel right saying. 

Do as you please; ideally "Have Fun" - it's certainly my meaning of life.