Avoiding the dark hole

These last few weeks I’ve been waging mental war against the demons that like to creep in from time to time. This presents itself in many ways, a lot of which can go unnoticed by others and rely on me to take action. I can struggle with motivation, have trouble keeping a positive frame of mind, get annoyed by small things and struggle with eating – either not wanting food or not eating well.

I have the ability to acknowledge that there are many reasons this could happen. I’m still waiting to find out what will happen with treatment (almost two months of not knowing); I’ve been very sick with a virus which knocked my more fragile body about and this has stopped me doing things I would like to have done. Not being active or social are immediate red flags for diminishing mental health for me and I know I need to work harder when these things are limited.

I often get comments about how happy I am. How I almost always have a smile and am so positive about such an unfortunate illness – especially at my age.

The wonderful thing about us humans is that we are so much deeper than one emotion at a time. I do feel happy about a lot of things. Alongside happiness I also experience frustration, sadness, disappointment, confusion, grief, excitement, hope and overwhelming love. This is, of course, only a small selection of the emotions I can experience. We have the ability to experience two “conflicting” emotions at once because actually they aren’t split into this concept of bad and good, they are just emotions we are experiencing. So I can feel frustrated when I am too ill to go out with friends and at the same time I can also feel grateful that I had plans and people who I enjoy spending time with.

Learning to acknowledge the different emotions going on in a moment means you can appreciate each one for what it is instead of feeling lost in everything. I may still end up crying in the above situation but at least I understand that the crying is for both the frustration and the gratitude.

This is one way I’ve coped with that lingering dark hole, visiting it sometimes to peek inside, sometimes even getting down on the ground and sticking my head inside but never wanting to have to try to crawl too far out of it.

I may always be smiling but that does not mean I walk around on moonbeams thinking everything is wonderful all my time. I hit the lows, I contemplate death, I grieve for my old life, old body and future I thought I might have. I don’t want to have cancer, I want to be healthy and out living my life each day, doing as I please, feeling free. I also understand that’s not the case anymore and I find the light in my life as it is.

If you spend your life seeing what’s not right in it, you will always struggle to enjoy it. If you consider the glass to be half empty you'll always feel something is missing. If your glass is half full, you’ll remember that every day is a bonus. We’re not promised anything when we come into this world. We are born and each day after that is a gift for us to live.

The true guilty party is culture. We are taught to plan our future, think about what we are doing in ten years time, twenty years time, our retirement, what we might think of our behaviour when we’re older, how we’re going to get a job and pay the bills. All of this is fine in small doses but how often are we told to think about how we are going to enjoy ourselves right in this moment? We aren’t gifted a day so we can worry about completing a task or what someone will think of us. We aren’t gifted a day to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves; we’re gifted it for joy and fun.

I cry. I don’t love admitting it because I always liked to pretend I was so tough I didn’t need to cry. I cry because I’m human, I have emotions and sometimes I just feel sad or fed up by this illness. Sometimes I cry because I feel overwhelmed by the generosity of the people around me and that happiness spills out. I can’t seem to cry without laughing too. I have no idea why because I really dislike crying but I always end up laughing, even if it’s just about the fact that I’m crying and I don’t like crying.

Cry and laugh. That’s life.

One of the practical strategies I use is to think of things I’m still in control of and start owning them. I decide whether I’m getting up and going for a walk today, what I’m going to eat, whether I’m going to leave the house, if I want to see my friends. I’ve been using this strategy this week after a rough patch. I’ve chosen to eat better and stop battling food. I’ve chosen to integrate exercise and stretching back into my days. I’ve organised to see friends, started to clear out my space so I can focus my head more and done things I really enjoy doing. Sometimes I lack motivation but I’m not beating myself up about it. I just endeavour to make more good decisions than bad and eventually they get easier to make.

Today I ate fruit for breakfast, went for a walk, went to the beach, put dungarees on because they make me smile, made a healthy lunch, made some phone calls, had a nap then woke up and ate some junk food. Overall I’m still winning!

Like a big hole in the ground it would be no good to pretend it didn’t exist. Be aware of your movements, acknowledge the hole, look into it if you wish to. Importantly make sure you respect that hole. Understand the danger of falling into it and take whatever steps you need to, so you can navigate safely around it.

https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/help-meridee-fight-the-odds