Who the hell am I?!
"Tired of trying to cram her sparkly, star-shaped self into society's beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova she was meant to be."
My aunt posted this quote months ago and I just had to save it, knowing it was exactly what I want to say in this post!
This post is probably the most important one yet for me. I've known I've wanted to write it for sometime, I've spoken to large groups of teenagers just scratching the surface on this topic and I feel like now is the time.
It's the time because this is the month of my 32nd birthday (I know many of you will be shocked I'm not turning 24 again this year!), and it's also the month I'm going to start the process of losing my physical identity again as I begin back on intravenous chemotherapy. To be honest my physical identity is starting to feel so fluid I'm not really sure I know what it is anymore.
It's also the time because I'm about 20 months into this battle and this topic is too bloody important for me to continue putting off.
It's mostly time because I am so passionate about this that it makes me want to explode and sometimes when I try to talk about it all the words get caught up in me and don't want to come out right and I just can't tell you everything I want to say!
This topic is self-definition.
Who are you? Is it who you want to be? What decides your self definition?
I do feel qualified to talk about this because from January 2017 almost everything I thought defined me as a person started to be stripped from me.
I thought of myself as:
Independent
A traveller
Strong in my career
Energetic
Fit and Healthy (turns out I'd been lying to myself about that one for some time)
I had long brown hair with green eyes and long eyelashes
Private
Young, with a long-life ahead of me
Then I got told I had a large tumour and we needed to get it out. I had tough and invasive surgery meaning I wasn't even capable of getting myself out of bed let alone showering myself. I needed nurses and family to hold buckets for me while I was sick and sit in on conversations with doctors because I couldn't remember what had been said.
I found out I had cancer and was advised against travelling while I was on medication. I felt confused by the oral chemotherapy tablets and while I adjusted to them I lost the confidence to drive myself somedays or even go out alone.
Then I was told the cancer had spread into my liver and lung and the specialists felt it was incurable. I was expected to die a young woman - but not without a fight. I started on IV chemotherapy which involved losing not just the hair on my head, as many people think, but also two things I realised I loved more than I imagined - my eyebrows and eyelashes. I lost weight and gained weight depending on medication and my ability to eat. I was now scarred and bald, I needed to paint my face on and design outfits around port access and ability to cover bandages on my chest. My balance was shot and wearing heels became difficult, I had to start thinking practically. I began menopausal symptoms and all women who have been through that will understand the challenge of good layering of clothing. I found exercise harder and harder as my body weakened and I became more attached to my bed. AND, I had to pee in a jug then write down the quantity and time during chemotherapy days! That was after being given a drug that made me pee incessantly. Some days I felt like I spent more time in the bathroom than the chair!
I was at breakdown point during some of this. Who the hell was I now???
And to save myself from that blackhole that's exactly the question I asked myself. Who was I now, I wasn't the same person I used to be. I never could be because cancer steals that from a person.
I asked myself to redefine. Who was I now? Who was I still? Who did I want to be? I'm not exaggerating when I say I did this either. This was a conscious exercise that saved my sanity (or what was left of it before all this anyway).
Physically I felt so different. I had a beautiful wig but I felt a bit of a fraud in it and only wore it when I really wanted to hide the cancer; for that it was, and will be again, amazing. I had embraced the headscarf full force and sometimes the bald head when I was too hot. I had giant scars across my stomach. My eyebrows and eyelashes decided to fade away on me while I was in hospital after my second surgery, as though I wasn't feeling gross enough in how I looked. My laughter lines became more pronounced, I like to think because I was laughing so much but most likely because I didn't have the hair to hide them anymore. On the upside I was looking thinner as the hormone and steroid imbalance was being sorted out. I honestly was starting to think that it would be justifiable for someone not to recognise me. Of course this was a ridiculous over-exaggeration in my head, however at that time it felt real.
So how did I want to look? Well actually I loved the opportunity headscarves gave me to accessorise and the encouragement they gave me to wear long earrings. I had never been daring enough to wear bright lipstick before, bugger it, I was going to try that too. I had wanted my nose pierced for at least a year - 31st birthday present to myself? Just about passing out after the third, thankfully successful, attempt to get that stud through my apparently tough as nails nostril. Tattoo on my arm, why the hell not?! Screw this looking haggard, I was going to rock cancer my own way. I got my tiny spikes out and paraded them in public. I got my scarred stomach out in a bikini and proudly strode it down the beach. These are my battle scars!!! These are proof of me as a warrior.
As for not travelling, well those who know me will understand what a blow that was. In fairness, once the second diagnosis came through it seemed a bit silly to try to stop me doing things I loved. Starting small I floated the idea of a trip over to Sydney, nothing too crazy. That was successful and after my second surgery in September 2017 I had this realisation that I might have a chance to go to South America after all (not for as long as I had wanted, these days anything has to be seen as a win). So on December 31st I flew to Santiago, Chile and began my Year of Yes! That trip lifted my spirits and helped me to see how I could incorporate the old me into the new me. I didn't have to lose everything I just had to redefine in some cases. I could travel, of course I could it was one of my expert skills before all this. I needed to adjust how I travelled a bit but that was it. Inspired and invigorated by this trip I came back to New Zealand to start some pretty gruelling treatment and plan the next adventure out of the country - five weeks in Europe! From this I've realised it's not a case of not being able to do something, it's really a case of looking for alternative ways to do things.
Travel also doesn't have to be a major trip away either. I really see the beauty of heading out of the city for a few days or even going and sitting on the beach for a few hours in summer. These too have needed to be adjusted, there's so much more for me to consider in such a small act these days but I see this as the same type of freedom I got from grabbing my backpack and turning up in a city with no idea what I was doing. It's all how we look at it.
This act of taking myself to do something is how I started to feel independent again. I could make plans and go and do them without assistance and this made me feel so much better. I still find that a giant blow when I'm unwell and need to ask for help to leave the house, it's a challenge I still work with in my definition. I've actually accepted using a walking stick to help me balance from time to time. Not just any walking stick obviously, it had to be a funky one before I agreed to that being part of my accessorising. However, understanding that falling and hurting myself would lead to less independence helped me to accept when I do need it and rock it like the rest of my additions. I blog, continue my own learning, build networks of people, gain as much understanding about my condition and possible medical treatment as possible and all of these have helped to make me feel like an independent person. Probably the most effective act was caring for others. Especially caring for my little nephew. Our aunty and nephew time has been precious to me and also showed me how much value I could still offer as a person.
My career as it was has probably seen it's last days. It seems strange looking back at finishing my job in England and really having no idea that was the last time I'd have a role like that. The chances of me ever being well enough to work again are slim and that hurts to admit. I needed to see that I was still worthwhile in society. Again that probably sounds like a dramatic statement however looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs we see that Esteem features, esteem for oneself being dignity, independence and achievement. Since 14 I had never been unemployed for than about a month unless it was by choice and my career was something I was passionate about and had only wanted to put on hold briefly in order to travel some more and develop myself. It hurt to have that taken from me. Thanks to a lot of convincing from various people I found my way to blogging. This has given me a sense of purpose again. Opportunities to write articles and speak have also helped me to feel like I have something to offer to the world, even from the comfort of my armchair, wearing pyjama pants and looking like crap.
Fit, healthy and energetic seriously needed to be redefined now. I was so proud once because I completed the entire Insanity workout plan, and I was fit after that! Now I'm proud when I walk around the block. I guess the key thing here is that I am proud of that. I'm proud that I got out of bed, got myself dressed, tied my own shoelaces and then actually left the house and walked. All those tiny achievements have been things I haven't been physically capable of doing at some point during this treatment. Like all things in my life, I look at it with a sense of humour too. It's sad to have lost so much of the strength I've had however laughing at it makes it less offensive. I decided to do a press up one day to see how it went, I was in hysterics calling my mum in to watch me try a second one. "Mum look at my press up!" I set myself in position began to lower, the body started to buckle and once again I face planted the floor feeling pretty pleased with my level of entertainment. Once the laughter was dealt with I did establish I could do press ups on my knees, something I refused to do in the past and now accept as my new level of being fit and healthy.
I prioritise my energy these days. I literally look at the things I want to do and decide what is most important to me. To clarify how that works, treatment comes first then the deciding factor is generally how much fun I'll have. I can be my energetic self still it just means that there are times when I need to go home and have a nap afterwards.
I'm still young, I still have a life to live and I am making sure I do that. I don't focus so much on the future in the long term anymore, I focus on what brings happiness into my life and those around me and want to encourage everyone to live their life with fulfilment each day. Actually it's made me even happier about the little things because I know I'm fortunate to still be experiencing them.
I'm regularly told I'm a master at finding a silver lining. Cancer is shit. The pain we go through from the treatment and the way it attacks mentally is shit. Although I'm generally positive in these blogs don't ever think a single day for someone battling cancer, or who has battled cancer, is easy. We fight every day to hold ourselves together. I truly had no idea how strong I could be until this happened and with each blow I find another level.
The true silver lining for me is I have never been so happy with who I am inside and out as I am now.
My encouragement would be for everyone to think about their self-definition. Truly remember the self in that. It is not what everyone else thinks you are or should be. We have the ability to choose who we are, what we value and how we see the world.
In Manchester I sat with some old work colleagues who are, more importantly, wonderful friends. They were discussing seeing me now and if I'd changed. One gave an outright no. "You're more you" she announced. For me, I couldn't have thought of a greater compliment. I don't want to be anyone else.
Hopefully I'm allowed to post this video on here. The lyrics are truly beautiful from India Arie.
My aunt posted this quote months ago and I just had to save it, knowing it was exactly what I want to say in this post!
This post is probably the most important one yet for me. I've known I've wanted to write it for sometime, I've spoken to large groups of teenagers just scratching the surface on this topic and I feel like now is the time.
It's the time because this is the month of my 32nd birthday (I know many of you will be shocked I'm not turning 24 again this year!), and it's also the month I'm going to start the process of losing my physical identity again as I begin back on intravenous chemotherapy. To be honest my physical identity is starting to feel so fluid I'm not really sure I know what it is anymore.
It's also the time because I'm about 20 months into this battle and this topic is too bloody important for me to continue putting off.
It's mostly time because I am so passionate about this that it makes me want to explode and sometimes when I try to talk about it all the words get caught up in me and don't want to come out right and I just can't tell you everything I want to say!
This topic is self-definition.
Who are you? Is it who you want to be? What decides your self definition?
I do feel qualified to talk about this because from January 2017 almost everything I thought defined me as a person started to be stripped from me.
I thought of myself as:
Independent
A traveller
Strong in my career
Energetic
Fit and Healthy (turns out I'd been lying to myself about that one for some time)
I had long brown hair with green eyes and long eyelashes
Private
Young, with a long-life ahead of me
Then I got told I had a large tumour and we needed to get it out. I had tough and invasive surgery meaning I wasn't even capable of getting myself out of bed let alone showering myself. I needed nurses and family to hold buckets for me while I was sick and sit in on conversations with doctors because I couldn't remember what had been said.
I found out I had cancer and was advised against travelling while I was on medication. I felt confused by the oral chemotherapy tablets and while I adjusted to them I lost the confidence to drive myself somedays or even go out alone.
Then I was told the cancer had spread into my liver and lung and the specialists felt it was incurable. I was expected to die a young woman - but not without a fight. I started on IV chemotherapy which involved losing not just the hair on my head, as many people think, but also two things I realised I loved more than I imagined - my eyebrows and eyelashes. I lost weight and gained weight depending on medication and my ability to eat. I was now scarred and bald, I needed to paint my face on and design outfits around port access and ability to cover bandages on my chest. My balance was shot and wearing heels became difficult, I had to start thinking practically. I began menopausal symptoms and all women who have been through that will understand the challenge of good layering of clothing. I found exercise harder and harder as my body weakened and I became more attached to my bed. AND, I had to pee in a jug then write down the quantity and time during chemotherapy days! That was after being given a drug that made me pee incessantly. Some days I felt like I spent more time in the bathroom than the chair!
I was at breakdown point during some of this. Who the hell was I now???
And to save myself from that blackhole that's exactly the question I asked myself. Who was I now, I wasn't the same person I used to be. I never could be because cancer steals that from a person.
I asked myself to redefine. Who was I now? Who was I still? Who did I want to be? I'm not exaggerating when I say I did this either. This was a conscious exercise that saved my sanity (or what was left of it before all this anyway).
Physically I felt so different. I had a beautiful wig but I felt a bit of a fraud in it and only wore it when I really wanted to hide the cancer; for that it was, and will be again, amazing. I had embraced the headscarf full force and sometimes the bald head when I was too hot. I had giant scars across my stomach. My eyebrows and eyelashes decided to fade away on me while I was in hospital after my second surgery, as though I wasn't feeling gross enough in how I looked. My laughter lines became more pronounced, I like to think because I was laughing so much but most likely because I didn't have the hair to hide them anymore. On the upside I was looking thinner as the hormone and steroid imbalance was being sorted out. I honestly was starting to think that it would be justifiable for someone not to recognise me. Of course this was a ridiculous over-exaggeration in my head, however at that time it felt real.
So how did I want to look? Well actually I loved the opportunity headscarves gave me to accessorise and the encouragement they gave me to wear long earrings. I had never been daring enough to wear bright lipstick before, bugger it, I was going to try that too. I had wanted my nose pierced for at least a year - 31st birthday present to myself? Just about passing out after the third, thankfully successful, attempt to get that stud through my apparently tough as nails nostril. Tattoo on my arm, why the hell not?! Screw this looking haggard, I was going to rock cancer my own way. I got my tiny spikes out and paraded them in public. I got my scarred stomach out in a bikini and proudly strode it down the beach. These are my battle scars!!! These are proof of me as a warrior.
As for not travelling, well those who know me will understand what a blow that was. In fairness, once the second diagnosis came through it seemed a bit silly to try to stop me doing things I loved. Starting small I floated the idea of a trip over to Sydney, nothing too crazy. That was successful and after my second surgery in September 2017 I had this realisation that I might have a chance to go to South America after all (not for as long as I had wanted, these days anything has to be seen as a win). So on December 31st I flew to Santiago, Chile and began my Year of Yes! That trip lifted my spirits and helped me to see how I could incorporate the old me into the new me. I didn't have to lose everything I just had to redefine in some cases. I could travel, of course I could it was one of my expert skills before all this. I needed to adjust how I travelled a bit but that was it. Inspired and invigorated by this trip I came back to New Zealand to start some pretty gruelling treatment and plan the next adventure out of the country - five weeks in Europe! From this I've realised it's not a case of not being able to do something, it's really a case of looking for alternative ways to do things.
Travel also doesn't have to be a major trip away either. I really see the beauty of heading out of the city for a few days or even going and sitting on the beach for a few hours in summer. These too have needed to be adjusted, there's so much more for me to consider in such a small act these days but I see this as the same type of freedom I got from grabbing my backpack and turning up in a city with no idea what I was doing. It's all how we look at it.
This act of taking myself to do something is how I started to feel independent again. I could make plans and go and do them without assistance and this made me feel so much better. I still find that a giant blow when I'm unwell and need to ask for help to leave the house, it's a challenge I still work with in my definition. I've actually accepted using a walking stick to help me balance from time to time. Not just any walking stick obviously, it had to be a funky one before I agreed to that being part of my accessorising. However, understanding that falling and hurting myself would lead to less independence helped me to accept when I do need it and rock it like the rest of my additions. I blog, continue my own learning, build networks of people, gain as much understanding about my condition and possible medical treatment as possible and all of these have helped to make me feel like an independent person. Probably the most effective act was caring for others. Especially caring for my little nephew. Our aunty and nephew time has been precious to me and also showed me how much value I could still offer as a person.
My career as it was has probably seen it's last days. It seems strange looking back at finishing my job in England and really having no idea that was the last time I'd have a role like that. The chances of me ever being well enough to work again are slim and that hurts to admit. I needed to see that I was still worthwhile in society. Again that probably sounds like a dramatic statement however looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs we see that Esteem features, esteem for oneself being dignity, independence and achievement. Since 14 I had never been unemployed for than about a month unless it was by choice and my career was something I was passionate about and had only wanted to put on hold briefly in order to travel some more and develop myself. It hurt to have that taken from me. Thanks to a lot of convincing from various people I found my way to blogging. This has given me a sense of purpose again. Opportunities to write articles and speak have also helped me to feel like I have something to offer to the world, even from the comfort of my armchair, wearing pyjama pants and looking like crap.
Fit, healthy and energetic seriously needed to be redefined now. I was so proud once because I completed the entire Insanity workout plan, and I was fit after that! Now I'm proud when I walk around the block. I guess the key thing here is that I am proud of that. I'm proud that I got out of bed, got myself dressed, tied my own shoelaces and then actually left the house and walked. All those tiny achievements have been things I haven't been physically capable of doing at some point during this treatment. Like all things in my life, I look at it with a sense of humour too. It's sad to have lost so much of the strength I've had however laughing at it makes it less offensive. I decided to do a press up one day to see how it went, I was in hysterics calling my mum in to watch me try a second one. "Mum look at my press up!" I set myself in position began to lower, the body started to buckle and once again I face planted the floor feeling pretty pleased with my level of entertainment. Once the laughter was dealt with I did establish I could do press ups on my knees, something I refused to do in the past and now accept as my new level of being fit and healthy.
I prioritise my energy these days. I literally look at the things I want to do and decide what is most important to me. To clarify how that works, treatment comes first then the deciding factor is generally how much fun I'll have. I can be my energetic self still it just means that there are times when I need to go home and have a nap afterwards.
I'm still young, I still have a life to live and I am making sure I do that. I don't focus so much on the future in the long term anymore, I focus on what brings happiness into my life and those around me and want to encourage everyone to live their life with fulfilment each day. Actually it's made me even happier about the little things because I know I'm fortunate to still be experiencing them.
I'm regularly told I'm a master at finding a silver lining. Cancer is shit. The pain we go through from the treatment and the way it attacks mentally is shit. Although I'm generally positive in these blogs don't ever think a single day for someone battling cancer, or who has battled cancer, is easy. We fight every day to hold ourselves together. I truly had no idea how strong I could be until this happened and with each blow I find another level.
The true silver lining for me is I have never been so happy with who I am inside and out as I am now.
My encouragement would be for everyone to think about their self-definition. Truly remember the self in that. It is not what everyone else thinks you are or should be. We have the ability to choose who we are, what we value and how we see the world.
In Manchester I sat with some old work colleagues who are, more importantly, wonderful friends. They were discussing seeing me now and if I'd changed. One gave an outright no. "You're more you" she announced. For me, I couldn't have thought of a greater compliment. I don't want to be anyone else.
Hopefully I'm allowed to post this video on here. The lyrics are truly beautiful from India Arie.
Oh my lordy, thank you Meridee! Thank you for your honesty and passion and love for life. Your words take me deep within as I too am discovering who I am! Bless you, you are indeed a beautiful soul!
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you so much for your beautiful message.
DeleteI'm so glad to hear this has resonated with you. Self discovery can certainly be a challenging thing and yet so rewarding to grow through.
You are an inspirational strong lady! xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Renata! I'm fortunate to know another strong lady in you!
DeleteThank you for sharing your story, Meridee, and for reminding us how to live life. After all, that's what it's for. Never lose your delightful sense of humour. All power to you and I'm delighted to have become part of the supportive net that is made up of people all over the world sending you love and strength. Cxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your message! I consider myself very fortunate to have such a wonderful, worldwide support network and it makes me happy to see them living their lives with fulfilment.
DeleteThis makes me think— the superwoman who is showing us how she is living when she was told she was dying. Hope you don’t mind— I’d like to share in my Death Dialogues Project page. You are doing an excellent job opening up conversations people frequently shy away from.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. I am definitely making a conscious effort to live as much as possible, even in the smallest ways. I appreciate you sharing my blog and am glad to start opening conversations about something that we are told should be uncomfortable for society.
Delete