It's a teary sort of day...

It's not just me who says that. The sky is indicating that might be the case too and I'm sure there are many others with a similar feeling today.

This isn't a happy, positive post - don't worry, at least it's brief. Brief because it wasn't supposed to be my next topic but this morning it was crying out (literally) to be said, because it's a teary sort of day. Don't ask me why, I could list you some potential reasons but none of them are specific, it just is. And that's it, somedays it just is.

My mum had two key quotes about crying.

"If you play with the boys, you play by the boys' rules." Which meant I wasn't allowed to cry when I got hurt.

I made no decision to play this round so I feel her other saying is more applicable.

"Let it go. Let it out. Let it wash you from the inside out" (When I was allowed to cry).

I was raised to be pretty tough so the emotion involved in the last year has been a real learning curve for me.

Today is a cleansing day. I am washing from the inside out, for whatever reason my head decided it needed to do so. I'm not saying tomorrow won't be a cleansing day either, it could take some time but I know I'll bounce out of it for a while and go around making inappropriate jokes and being the endlessly annoying and attention seeking person I am. For today, I'm accepting the cleanse.

I wanted to post this, the hardest topic yet, to let other people know many of us go through it, all for our own reasons - sometimes unknown to us.

I'm not sitting here pondering death or anything like that. It's just a feeling of sadness that joins me from time to time. It's not a pity call or woe is me either, so please don't feel the sudden need to wrap me up in cotton wool or avoid me!

This isn't the first time I've had a day like this. In fact, I've lost count of how many I've had. That isn't to say my other positive posts aren't real, it's just that this illness provides a pretty intense rollercoaster which I got shoved onto, first row, without a choice.

I had a serious case of the blues around a year ago. My oncology nurse phoned me and I couldn't even hold myself together for the phone call, which isn't like me at all. I'm usually the master of putting on the brave face, or voice, and letting everyone think it's all ok.  It was this that spurred on a referral to a counsellor. Generally only a few people know that but actually it's okay to have support when you need it and that's another thing I've had to come to terms with.

The reality is a life threatening disease that then gets diagnosed as an incurable disease is a real reason for support. There are many other real reasons for support so nobody should be afraid of it.

I promised this would be brief, I just wanted to share the reality of emotions and say they don't have to be bottled up.

Being in touch and at ease with emotions doesn't mean being mentally unstable, it means being mentally aware.

So today I will paint my happy face on, my invisibility cloak that allows me to mix in with all the "normal" people, and leave the house because that's what I've decided to do. Other days I might hunker down and just ride the wave. Either way, it's amazing what make up can do!

Be gentle and caring towards yourselves.

I'm thinking of those of you also riding this wave today.